Destined for cats

Originally written 1/16/07

in•tim•i•date: –verb (used with object), -dat•ed, -dat•ing.
to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.

How many times have you heard it: Women talking about how men are intimidated by them? I’ve never personally said it in reference to myself, but have been told that I am by other people. I heard it again last night and I am through with that word. I’m ready to eliminate it from the English language.

Intimidation is reserved for bullies, detectives and overwhelmingly attractive women, not me. Sure, my personality may be a bit overpowering, but I do my best to make anyone I come in contact with feel at ease. It’s only after the initial phase that I begin creating the awkward moments.

I can’t accept intimidation as an excuse for why I’m single. I have come to the conclusion that there is indeed something horribly wrong with me. On paper, there are just too many things I have going for me to accept that someone would allow intimidation to be the factor that lets “a catch like me” slip away.

Let’s face it, I’m not exactly beautiful. I’m fit, but you can’t even tell most of the time because I don’t showcase it. I’m smart, but I act like a fucking retard. I’m funny, but my jokes are bad... really bad. I’m talented, but not at anything of value. As a matter of fact, I’m so not intimidating that Jessica actually had to call it an early night on South Beach last week because we were only attracting the caliber of man that she is dissatisfied with (i.e. incredible dorks).

Up until recently, I firmly believed that I am single because the men I’m surrounded by are absolutely unsuitable. My thoughts have changed and I believe now the only unsuitable one is me. I’m that apple that’s been sitting in the fruit basket for a while and it looks all right, but when you cut to the core it’s all brown a mushy.

Cary Bradshaw says we need to “refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” I live in Antarctica. There are no butterflies here. I told my last date, and I quote, “It ain’t easy being ice like me!” Yeah, I don’t think he’ll be calling.

Perhaps all that I can do is what I’ve been doing. I will continue to move forward with work, working out and working it (on the dance floor). Who knows? One day I might actually decide on a career and put those hard earned letters that will follow my name to use!

Some people were destined for greatness. Some people were destined for failure. Fuck this bullshit. I was destined for cats.