Steroids included

This is an article I had written for the Miami Hurricane. I was told it was to be displayed, but it never was... alas. Perhaps it was too blasphemous, but that's okay because I have no tact.


Dear Chief Executive Officer Shalala(lalalala):


First of all, congratulations on running the upstanding facility we know as the University of Miami. I have to give you props for what you’ve accomplished in your tenure thus far. Your ambition in raising millions of dollars for this institution is commendable. And while I appreciate the lovely campus and gorgeous weather, allow me to take this opportunity to suggest to you an alternate campus beautification plan: Steroids.


Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain my position. I like muscles. I like having them and I like looking at them. While the students at UM are certainly a good looking bunch, they’re not quite my type as in my eyes there is more aesthetic appeal to magazines like “Oxygen” and “Muscular Development,” as opposed to “Cosmo” or “Maxim.” For me to find a person attractive, male or female, one needs to at least mimic the appearance of hitting the weights a minimum of 4 days a week.


This is why I am suggesting to you an improvement in the student body (pun intended) by use of steroids. I mean, at the cost of over $1,200/credit at the graduate level the least you could do is include steroids in the tuition. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Issues with legality don’t worry me much as everyone is required to have medical insurance. As far as I know, steroid use monitored by a physician appears to be lawful.


At this point in my life I’m sick of taking out thousands of dollars in loans to pay for my education only to find myself surrounded by people I don’t find attractive. For example, I’m currently paying off debt I incurred for my undergraduate degree from the University of Pennsylvania, a notoriously ugly school – a fact I was willing to let slide for the superior education.


However, when I took the plunge (no pun intended) to pursue my graduate career here at UM I thought things would be different. I understood the expense, but was willing to take out more loans in order to be surrounded by the beautiful model type as opposed to the intellectual brainiac type. Unfortunately, reality fell just short of my expectations and I’m looking at another hefty loan also complete with a lack of visual stimulation.


But you can change all that! You can give me my money’s worth by including steroids in the price of tuition. I’m willing to sacrifice the health of my peers in order to be surrounded by muscles at all times. Heck, I’ll even jump on the steroid bandwagon! Though I’m not about being altruistic, I suppose I can make an exception for what I believe to be a worthy cause.


Hopefully, you can take time off from raising billions of dollars for who-knows-what to help distract me from the fact that the cost of tuition will continue to increase, along with the cost of living and the decreased availability of higher paying jobs. As each day passes, the prospect of paying off my debt becomes evermore distant, along with my aspirations to one day own my own home. Thank you for your time.


Sincerely,

Alicia Montalvo

The handbag analogy

I'm really tired because I ran a couple miles on an empty stomach at 6:30 AM and this may not be coherent, but try to stay with me on this one.

The perfect handbag:an outfit::The perfect man:a woman

Does that make sense? I don't speak from experience as I don't wear "outfits" per se, but I would assume this is how it would work for other people.

Let me explain this. There's nothing like finding the perfect handbag to go with your outfit. The perfect handbag does many things; it complements without overpowering, it accentuates the positives, it helps one feel confident... But it's fuckin impossible to find!

You can approach the search for the perfect handbag with expectations that may not result in the most desireable match, thus leaving you with possibly a really nice bag, but not one that suits the outfit. Perhaps you find a great bag, but it's not on sale leaving you to ponder the implications of poor timing. Maybe countdown to the event is drawing too near and you have to scramble for any bag that will remotely work, and so you find youself settling. Along the line somewhere, maybe you realize your last 15 purchases were all the same style just different colors...

This is the same way relationships work. Sometimes we date people who don't suit us. Sometimes the timing is off. Sometimes we settle. Sometimes we repeat a pattern.

Sometimes, if you're patient enough, the right handbag ends up on clearance at some obscure store just when you were about to give up all hope of looking absolutely fabulous.